Part 1 is here, although “Edible food-like substances and the need to swallow again” is meant to stand alone. Part III is here.

I went into the May 25 surgery that unexpectedly took my entire tongue weighing around 155 to 160 lbs. When I came to, I probably didn’t weigh much less than I had when the anesthesia hit, but I felt like the heft of my body had been replaced with the weight of all that had gone wrong, and I was what was left over. Insubstantial. Without appetite.[1] Although it’s a cliché that you feel dread in “the pit of your stomach,” I instead felt dread in my nasal cavity—a horrible nasal tube was anchored with a stitch into my right nostril. It snaked up my nose and down my esophagus, terminating in my stomach.[2] Tube feeds were how I “swallowed,” although I had no agency in the process: a nurse pressed a button on the machine and the machine pumped food, regardless of my feelings or sensations.

Any calories had to go in through that tube. To say I hated consuming calories via nasal tube is an understatement. If I’d had an “off, forever” switch available to me in those first days after surgery, I’d likely have flicked it. Instead, I had oxycodone and dilaudid, which weren’t as good as an “off” switch, but adequate doses did make me feel like I was nowhere. Like most medical treatments, though, oxycodone and dilaudid come with a cost: opioids are severely constipating, and taking them may have led to what was one of the most dangerous moments after surgery.

In the hospital, it felt like every 10 minutes something or other had to happen: medications, cleanings, probings, vitals. “Tube feeds” weren’t just unpleasant because of the uncomfortable tube— the feeds themselves were a source of both pain and nausea. The word “feed,” makes me sound like I went from being a man to some kind of farm animal or hamster or alien. Or may an alien hamster farm animal? Before the surgery I never once looked at Bess and said, “Hey, why don’t we sit down to feed,” or “Baby, let’s go out to feed.” And if I ever did, I was joking.

The tube feeds made me nauseous and gave me terrible reflux. Part of the problems no doubt came from the surgery trauma and all the drugs I was on. But the ingredients in the substance itself couldn’t have helped. I had two choices, or assignments, depending on who was in command of the tube feed situation on a given day: either Nutren® 2.0 (made by Nestle Health Science) or Boost® Balanced Nutritional Drinks. Calling “Boost” a “nutritional drink” is like calling a junkyard a “pristine Redwood forest.” Boost’s website lists the ingredients as “WATER, GLUCOSE SYRUP, SUGAR, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, CANOLA OIL, AND LESS THAN 2% OF COCOA. [. . .]” I don’t think humans are supposed to eat diets rich in glucose syrup (which is just another sugar), sugar (this is also a sugar), and canola oil (the writer and gadfly Gary Taubes wrote a persuasive book called The Case Against Sugar). Whatever the problems I was having with digestion, I don’t think those problems were aided by vitamin-infused liquid sugar solutions.

I was barely alive and unsure about which side of the life-death line I would wind up on, which was not an ideal position for investigating alternatives to Nutren® or Boost®. At some point, a few days after the surgery, interventional radiology installed a PEG tube, and that installation let doctors remove the nasal tube. Getting the nasal tube out was an improvement, although injecting Nutren® or Boost® via PEG tube wasn’t, as you’d imagine, a real satisfying eating experience. In the hospital, I got enough calories to not die, and I guess that was enough from a medical perspective, if not a human one.

The Mayo ENTs said I’d likely be able to swallow again one day, albeit by blending food. I didn’t believe them. I couldn’t imagine much of a future and drifted in a present defined by either miserable, excruciating pain and nausea, or by opioids that allowed me to feel like I didn’t exist. I got out of the hospital in early June, and food injections continued to be a massive struggle, in part because I didn’t get the right injection pump until two weeks after discharge. My digestion improved when a friend suggested I try “Liquid Hope,” a liquid food product made from actual foods. The ingredients include ones I actually ate before the surgery: “Filtered water, organic garbanzo beans, organic green peas, organic carrots, organic hydrolyzed pea protein.” Garbanzos, peas, and carrots are good for humans in the way “hydrolyzed palm oil” is not.

For someone who prides himself on cooking and likes to try lots of different foods, this period was hard, and made harder by the belief I wouldn’t eat for life. I didn’t get to swallow again until late July, when Mayo speech pathologist Jessica Gregor showed me that I could, despite my reluctance and fear of choking, and she lovingly bullied me (that is Bess’s phrase) into choking down a glass of melted, diluted ice cream. It was the first thing I’d tasted in two months. It was a revelation. By then the trache tube was out of my throat and the trache wound had healed. I wrote about those first swallows in “On being ready to die, and yet also now being able to swallow slurries—including ice cream:”

With Jessica, I swallowed some ice cream slurry: the Van Leeuwen’s honeycomb flavor. We melted it and blended it with some extra milk, to thin it. And, although I was intensely skeptical that this would result in a meaningful sensory experience, there are taste buds at the back of the throat and esophagus. So I could taste ice cream. Since that night I’ve tried lots of things. Anything acidic, like lentil-soup slurry with too much lemon, doesn’t work well yet. Anything salty, same problem. But savory foods work and so do sweet ones. There’s a fun bakery and wine shop in Tempe called Tracy Dempsey Originals that we’ve been going to. Tracy Dempsey makes spectacular ice cream flavors—particularly her cardamom with fig jam. It turns out I can eat things like cookies and brownies if they’re blended with milk or coffee.

Over many months of practice I’ve gotten pretty good at swallowing. Swallowing isn’t like it was before the surgery, but I can taste foods at the back of my throat and, to a lesser extent, in my cheeks. I’m much better at handling acid, salt, and spice than I was when I wrote “On being ready to die.”

One of the scarier moments hit in the first few days after I began swallowing again. I was trying to drink water, and some of it got caught in my airway—I don’t know how, exactly. Bess was home and heard me making some horrible noise like a fish on a boat. She ran over to help but didn’t know what to do, as there wasn’t much to do, and she justifiably feared worsening the choking problem. I think she pounded on my back as I alternated between trying to expel the water and take a breath. I couldn’t get a breath in. I don’t remember which happened first, or how, though I do remember thinking: “I’m about to die by drowning.” And I remember the desperate gasps as I began to get air again. I’d wrongly thought water would be easier than solids, but melted ice cream was, for a while, the only thing that required a mere struggle, as opposed to a titanic struggle.

I’d lost so much taste and texture sensation when I lost my tongue, just as I’d lost much of my life’s animating energy, along with one of my chief means of hanging out with friends and friends-to-be, but enough taste sensation remained for me to enjoy the ice cream. Although that enjoyment was mixed with the terror of drowning.

Part III will continue in a few days. If you’ve gotten this far, consider the Go Fund Me that’s funding ongoing care.

---

[1] Appetite for anything: food, sex, life, status—all the things that make us human and keep us going.

[2] Horrible, but probably better than dying.