The beta orbiter problem: Observations from the field

A newly-graduated friend sent me this, as part of an e-mail about the difficulty of making friends after moving to a big city:

I’m now trying to “friend-date” whenever I meet a female (or male) who seems platonically cool. I have an easier time with males, but I don’t think the single ones ever intend to be friends with me from the beginning… mostly beta orbiters I guess.

Think about it this way, from the guy’s perspective: you’re exceedingly hungry. As hungry as you’ve ever been. And you can smell a delicious curry. You can see it. You’re very hungry. You’d love to eat the curry. But you can’t eat the curry.

The metaphor isn’t perfect—women have agency and curries don’t, among other things*—but it should impart the basic urgency single guys feel and the reason why single men who don’t want to be “just friends” also don’t want to hang out with you as a friend. How badly would you want to go to a restaurant when you’re desperately hungry but can’t eat at the restaurant?

My friend also said:

I found this article recently that was telling guys why they should be friends with the women who reject them for dating, but want to be friends. 1) The guy will become more confident around the type of women he’s interested in. 2) She will introduce him to her hot friends.

While “She will introduce him to her hot friends” is true in theory, it isn’t true, or very often true, in practice (based on my experience, anyway). More often, when a girl I’m interested in declines my affections, at best she sets me up with friends who are substantially less attractive than she is, and frequently says they’re “cute” and promises that I’ll “like them for their personality.” Unfortunate euphemisms lead to hurt feelings all around. Actually, my feelings don’t get hurt, but the feelings of other women sometimes do.

The hot girl’s friends also often know the hot girl turned the guy down, and that sends a powerful negative signal. If the guy isn’t good enough for the hot girl, why should he be good enough for her friends? Again, I won’t say that no straight guy has ever gotten the female-friend hookup, but I suspect that the female-friend hookup is more mythologized than actualized.

I’m familiar with the the beat orbiter mindset because I spent a lot of high school being one—but that’s because I was an idiot who didn’t know any better. I finally stepped back from that behavior, wondered why the hell I was doing it, and stopped. Non-adaptive behaviors should be altered. Most self-respecting guys who are dumb enough to go through a beta orbiter phase leave that phase by the time they graduate from college, if not earlier. Not all do, however, and you’ll occasionally run into 35-year-old men with the emotional temperament of 15-year-old boys in the thrall of their first serious, unrequited infatuation.

I’ve also had girls be the female equivalent of beta orbiters. I say “girls” here because, like men, adult single women usually grow out of this behavior, and if they’re attracted to a guy, they either make their move and see where it goes or they find a guy who is interested in them, instead of pointlessly pining after the unavailable. Straight American women seem to be more susceptible to acquiring beta orbiters than straight American men, while women seem to be, on average, more deluded about their “real” relationships with their supposed male “friends.”

One thought experiment might clarify your “friendships:” imagine that you’re lying in bed, wearing lingerie or nothing, and your male friend comes in. Does he leave or partake? If he leaves, you’re real friends. If he partakes, he’s probably not.

The attention of beta orbiters is kind of flattering to women, but it’s also mostly pointless; if you’re in the game, so to speak, you want to focus on the game, not the crowd. This is true of both sexes, whether gay or straight, but it seems like a lot of people have trouble admitting it.

(As a side note, literature is full of idiots pursuing pointless love for no particular reason: think of Gatsby and Daisy, or Robert Cohn and Brett Ashley in The Sun Also Rises, or any number of 19th century novels, or The Sorrows of Young Werther, or Romeo and Juliet (which has the advantage of Mercutio, until he dies; it’s his death that’s tragic, because he’s hilarious—”I will bite thee by the ear for that jest” and “for the bawdy hand of the / dial is now upon the prick of noon”). In each case, the obvious thing for the pursuer to do is get over whoever he or she is obsessed with and find someone better / more available, which are much the same thing. That’s a problem with Gatsby and Sun in particular: both novels are constructed around idiotic, self-defeating sexual behavior that contemporary teenagers often see glorified in pop culture and eventually must learn to overcome. The writing and style in both novels are specular, but their plots leave much to be desired, since the obvious thing for Jay Gatsby and Robert Cohn to do is get over Daisy and Brett Ashley. If they do, however, one no longer has a novel. But we shouldn’t admire guys who do things that are clearly dumb and sub-optimal.)

It may also be hard for attractive women to become genuine friends with a guy who already has a girlfriend because most girlfriends won’t want a rival—especially an attractive rival, sniffing around their campfire—so to speak. The reasons should be obvious. The major exception, however, occurs when the girl herself is bi, or at least interested in some girl-on-girl experience(s), but third-wheel situations among relative strangers seldom seem to last long.

This kind of misunderstand seems to be incredibly, stupidly common; I occasionally read the section, which is filled with people like “jaqueinabox” who say

I have a friend who I’ve known for about four or five years. A couple years ago, when my boyfriend at the time and I were on a break, I invited him to a social [. . .] I dropped him off at his car, but we ended up making out for a few minutes before I told him I had to stop (I never really do stuff like that and I was incredibly uncomfortable with it.) [. . .] When my boyfriend and I broke up for good, my friend started insisting we hang out more. Go to movies, go out for dinner, go to his place and watch movies, sending me texts with “xoxo” and “;)” in them, and it feels a lot like dating. [. . .] I still see movies and hang out with him because it seems rude to say no.

She’s wrong: it’s actually rude, both to herself and, to a lesser extent, the guy, to keep going out with him. In the thread, I wrote that “Directness is beautiful, both for you and these ‘guy-friends,’ who are not actually friends.” The other day a Reddit commenter wrote, accurately:

Most male friends become friends with attractive women with hopes of getting with them. Usually, when it doesn’t happen or she gets into/is in a relationship, they step back. When she gets out of a relationship, they usually try again.

The best movie scene dealing with this dynamic is the famous bit from When Harry Met Sally:

The contemporary term of art for these guys is, of course, “beta orbiter.”

I do want to clarify one point: It is possible for men and women to be authentic friends (I have a bunch of authentic female friends). It’s just much more unusual than many young straight women want to think it is. Many young straight women want to lie to themselves, or simply like deluding themselves, about male “friends.”

Authentic cross-gender friendships are great and they are no less worth cultivating than any other friendship. But don’t lie to yourself and don’t go into authentic friendships with the purpose of trying to covertly shoot for more.

* As far as I know.

6 responses

  1. As an fascinated observer of the whole male/female interaction, I found this article to be one of the best I’ve read describing and offering solutions to the “friend zone” aka beta orbiter delima. Here’s hoping both sexes read and ruminate over this article


    • My fiance and I started out as roommates. I was fresh out of a 5 year relationship and we had mutual friends so I conveniently moved in and we were the best roommates. Threw the best house parties. It was the time of my life. He was never a creep that tried anything I always felt safe with him and never made shit awkward and we just grew so much respect for each other. I thought about it and I felt bad for even going there like it was unacceptable to even consider it plus our timing was just never right or that was my excuse I started to believe. We were friends for 12 years before I got the balls to throw it out there. I was dating a guy and he was just a pos and I told him that I need a man that will be my first phone call in any situation and that’s when I was like wtf am I doing. I need to see if hes meant to for me. Well I asked him if he ever thought about us and if he’d ever want to see its always been us and he said I’m a guy of course I’ve thought about it lol and holy shit it wasnt scary ot awkward at all. Hes the only man that has never raised his voice or a hand at me. Hes the most respectful, reliable, hard working man and it was me that almost messed it all up by not showing interest because I didnt want to lose him so I thought well I better not to date him cause I like him. We are getting married soon and I’ve never felt more loved by a man I actually love back so I tell all the girls to check the friend zone if they ask where are the good guys


  2. I just wanted to add that beta orbiter phenomena is really something which exists only on college campuses and similar group situations. Once you get to your thirties or late twenties, people are getting married (and thus out of the game), or if a person is attached to someone, that person simply does not have enough time to spend with other members of the opposite sex. (It’s hard enough spending time with one’s boyfriend/girlfriend/parent!). You’re right that people outgrow this, but life itself has a way of preventing this situation from occurring too often. There just is not enough time in the day for it.


    • Once you get to your thirties or late twenties, people are getting married (and thus out of the game), or if a person is attached to someone, that person simply does not have enough time to spend with other members of the opposite sex.

      I think it’s pretty clear that the beta orbiter phenomenon lessens in intensity / importance, but I’m reaching towards that age range and am not convinced it goes away altogether; certainly I’ve seen beta orbiting around my friends who are married or in long-term relationships, and it appears that plenty of the Redditors have too.

      I do think that a) women eventually learn to acknowledge that beta orbiters are beta orbiters, b) men stop being them, and c) when couples hang out as couples, there’s a different dynamic.

      if a person is attached to someone, that person simply does not have enough time to spend with other members of the opposite sex.

      And if they do have or make the time, that itself is an indication of a problem!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Strictly speaking, the traditional dating process is a form of beta orbiting which requires the male to wait for eventual sex – aka “the third date rule”. Leading up to that involves the pretense of interest (or the expression of genuine interest) by/from both parties until mutual agreement takes place – again usually the third date though that convention is a bit long in the tooth as hookups and one night stands happen more frequently than in the past. But then again that’s not really dating and the rules don’t apply – at least as much. I was always very deliberate and intentional about asking out women and was willing to face the rejection that is customary to that which males have experienced going back to the earliest days of human interaction. If you can’t do this then your only hope is do the beta orbiter thing which is a pretty dismal form of existence UNLESS you are in the aforementioned date cycle awaiting the proverbial third date or its equivalent.

    On the other hand if you are in that waiting cycle with several women in parallel then it’s not at all bad which is why having “several irons in the fire” is always a good policy. Which brings me to another point – why do the so called betas pursue only one woman at a time when it makes infinitely more sense to pursue many at once ? Putting them on a pedestal isn’t the way to go until or unless they have earned it some way. I’ve never understood the whole “I’ll be nice to her and hang out with her with the slimmest of hopes that she will have sex with me” thing. I mean in what universe does that work ?

    Lastly, I’m not a model or athlete (well not in the last 20 years anyway) but I do take care of myself and maintain my appearance which women do appreciate. Bad grooming (scraggly bears), sloppy dressing (beer t-shirts don’t really impress women), and listening to music and watching music/shows that you think women would like is not the way to go. Invest time in yourself and appearance and learn how to talk respectfully and build up to asking women out directly without freaking out. Will you experience rejection ? Yes but over time you will experience less and less because 1) you will arrive at a better idea of who you really like and 2) you will become more comfortable with small talk and conversation which is important. Hiding behind and app and tapping out emoji-laden “cute” texts only solidifies your rep as a beta.


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